Crying Over Spilt Milk
By: J.I.McCartney
In 1967, the unrenowned scientist Dr. Short Backnsides conducted worthless, pointless, gruelling, physically demanding and expensive research into the act of crying over spilt milk. As history completely fails to record (and rightly so), experiment 425 concerned the amount of kinetic energy needed to propel the Sodium Dihydrogen Oxide from the human tear duct over any given distance. A bottle of milk was deliberately kicked over by Backnsides just south of Basingstoke town centre. A South-African male of age 25 who was built like a shingle shit shed (with walls approximately 75 feet thick) was hired because of his talent for becoming so emotionally charged that he could arc his tears through the air and use them to attack people walking past him. He was given large doses of adrenalin and glucose. He was then asked to eat a bowl of honey nut cornflakes laced with steroids.
On the day of the experiment, the South-African who shall hence fourth be called man was transported from Africa to an unrecorded location in Sweden. Here, they attached heart-rate monitors, and projected a revolutionary (and totally crap) magnetic field around him to record the amount of energy that he used to propel his tears over the distance required. Then he psyched himself up and, at the appointed time, he screwed his eyes closed and screamed a perfect Em7 for 29 seconds at an approximate loudness of 990 dB. The force of the sound was so great that it blew boats out of the water 5 miles away and measured 2.4 on the Richter scale in China. Dr Backnsides assistants at the location were, as you might expect, vaporised such was the ferocity of the air vibrations. The tears shot out of the tear ducts of man and passed the sound barrier. Doctor Backnsides predicted, due to the low cloud bank that had fallen over Basingstoke, that the tears would land 6.2 Inches on the far side of the milk, in relation to the source of the tears. The tears travelled for 47 minutes and 39 seconds before landing. To the astonishment of both Dr Backnsides and his remaining assistants, the tears landed exactly where he said they would.
The magnetic field generators were destroyed, thus meaning that any data that was recorded was lost. Not that anyone cared, but due to the lack of results Dr Backnsides was forced to brand his experiment a total failure. What happened to man is not certain, as anyone within a 10 mile radius was killed outright, and those people within a 10 to 17 mile radius suffered from perforated eardrums and permanent brain damage. What is certain is that he would have been standing on a small island sticking up out of the middle of the crater that would have been created. The crater would’ve been approximately 15 feet deep at its deepest point, and covered an area of roughly ½ a mile.
The absolutely perfect approximation that was made by Dr Backsides relating to the distance that the tears landed on the far side of the milk in relation to the source of the tears was the first and last correct prediction that Dr. Backnsides ever made. Two weeks later he was crossing a road, and miss-calculated the distance between gaps in the traffic. He was hit by a Bus and killed. Many people may mourn for the loss of Dr Backnsides, but certainly not anyone who knew him, knew of him, or knew of his dubious contributions to science.
This was not the four hundred and twenty fifth experiment as its given integer may suggest, Backnsides had 425 experiments to carry out and decided to count backwards to inconvenience everyone.
The magnetic field generators that were used were made out of those little silver trays that Mr Kipling six-pack cakes come in soldiered together and then connected to a 9V battery. Needless to say, they were crap and useless and had mannot destroyed them we would have found that they didnt record anything except how much of a twat Dr Backnsides really was.
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