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Longer to read but just as good.....

Crying Over Spilt Milk

By: J.I.McCartney
 
In 1967, the unrenowned scientist Dr. Short Backnsides conducted worthless,
pointless, gruelling, physically demanding and expensive research into the act
of crying over spilt milk.  As history completely fails to record (and rightly
so), experiment 425 concerned the amount of kinetic energy needed to
propel the Sodium Dihydrogen Oxide from the human tear duct over any given
distance. A bottle of milk was deliberately kicked over by Backnsides just south
of Basingstoke town centre.  A South-African male of age 25 who was built like a
shingle shit shed (with walls approximately 75 feet thick) was hired because of
his talent for becoming so emotionally charged that he could arc his tears
through the air and use them to attack people walking past him.   He was given
large doses of adrenalin and glucose.  He was then asked to eat a bowl of honey
nut cornflakes laced with steroids.

On the day of the experiment, the South-African who shall hence fourth be called
 man was transported from Africa to an unrecorded location in
Sweden.  Here, they attached heart-rate monitors, and projected a revolutionary
(and totally crap) magnetic field around him to record the amount of energy that
he used to propel his tears over the distance required.  Then he psyched himself
up and, at the appointed time, he screwed his eyes closed and screamed a perfect
Em7 for 29 seconds at an approximate loudness of 990 dB.  The force of the sound
was so great that it blew boats out of the water 5 miles away and measured 2.4
on the Richter scale in China.   Dr Backnsides assistants at the location
were, as you might expect, vaporised such was the ferocity of the air
vibrations.  The tears shot out of the tear ducts of  man and
passed the sound barrier.  Doctor Backnsides predicted, due to the low cloud
bank that had fallen over Basingstoke, that the
tears would land 6.2 Inches on the far side of the milk, in relation to the
source of the tears.  The tears travelled for 47 minutes and 39 seconds before
landing.  To the astonishment of both Dr Backnsides and his remaining
assistants, the tears landed exactly where he said they would.

The magnetic field generators were destroyed, thus meaning that
any data that was recorded was lost.  Not that anyone cared, but due to the lack
of results Dr Backnsides was forced to brand his experiment a total failure.
What happened to man is not certain, as anyone within a 10 mile
radius was killed outright, and those people within a 10 to 17 mile radius
suffered from perforated eardrums and permanent brain damage. What is certain is
that he would have been standing on a small island sticking up out of the middle
of the crater that would have been created.  The crater would’ve been
approximately 15 feet deep at its deepest point, and covered an area of roughly
a mile.

The absolutely perfect approximation that was made by Dr Backsides relating to
the distance that the tears landed on the far side of the milk in relation to
the source of the tears was the first and last correct prediction that Dr.
Backnsides ever made.  Two weeks later he was crossing a road, and
miss-calculated the distance between gaps in the traffic.  He was hit by a Bus
and killed.  Many people may mourn for the loss of Dr Backnsides, but certainly
not anyone who knew him, knew of him, or knew of his dubious contributions to
science.

This was not the four hundred and twenty fifth experiment as its
given integer may suggest, Backnsides had 425 experiments to carry out and
decided to count backwards to inconvenience everyone.

The magnetic field generators that were used were made out of
those little silver trays that Mr Kipling six-pack cakes come in soldiered
together and then connected to a 9V battery.  Needless to say, they were crap
and useless and had mannot destroyed them we would have found
that they didnt record anything except how much of a twat Dr Backnsides
really was.